Mama Said There'd be Days Like This

So progress reports came out this week, ironically the same week the residents (that's me) received our first cycle scorecard evaluation.  So let me start by saying I understand I am in a new career track which will have all sorts of new areas of growth and concepts to master.  AUSL also does a fairly good job of preparing us for what a first scorecard will look/read like.  We are scored in the four domain areas of the Danielson model which CPS uses as well, also referred to as the Teaching for Learning Framework.  I was familiar with this framework from my previous work in OSI so there wasn't much of a surprise.  For those of you not familiar with Charlotte Danielson here is her website where you can read about the framework and the 4 Domains: Danielson Framework

So you may be rated as unsatisfactory, basic, proficient or distinguished, and with that, either plus or minus each of the ratings as well.  Given that we have been in the classroom 5 weeks, it is irrational to believe we would rate a proficient or distinguished, especially those of us that have never taught.  So, when I received my score card of mostly basic, basic - and basic +  I was not surprised.  My mentor and mentor resident coach had suggested I do a scorecard on myself and I was fairly closely aligned to what my scorecard from my mentor was.  I did, however, receive one unsatisfactory.  Now given my understanding that unsatisfactory doesn't mean failure and it sheds light on room for growth, I would normally be ok, but my unsatisfactory came in the category for Professionalism.  Ok, I know, not a huge surprise.  And given some conversations my mentor and I have had, I suppose I should have expected it.  I have always spoken my mind with a sort of disregard for the repercussions...be them good or bad.

 I don't believe anyone would say I am nasty or ruthless, to say the least, I like to think I fight for what is right.  But what is right in my mind, is not always right in the minds and missions of others.  I may or may not have had some issues with "grey areas" and said how I felt about it in the past couple weeks. This is not to say I am unhappy in the least.  I love my school and believe administration has a very clear mission and objective that is not difficult to understand at all.  But schools are naturally inefficient machines, forcibly by the nature of competing standards, agendas, missions, and passions.  While the CTU is not extremely present in an AUSL school, you still have your fair share of teachers who come to work for a paycheck.  It's unavoidable.  And you still have your fair share of teachers who LOVE their content area and fight the machine that is assessment-based teaching.   Also, you have silos of workers - teachers, ESP (ie paraprofessionals, security), administrators, custodial/engineering, SEL (social emotional) ie counselors.  Each is there for an important reason, each a cog in the machine that is a school.  Without one, you would feel the heaviness that would be put upon you now with their absence.  But at times, missions in the moment do not align and the result is small conflicts.  How you deal with the small conflicts is what makes the difference.

I am learning I do not have to fight for my mission every moment.  At times, another cog's mission, in that moment is more important, and I need to keep my mouth shut and "carry on".  It doesn't mean I am defeated, nor does it mean I have lost my opportunity to make my point.  It just means that may not be the time and place.  This valuable lesson may have help alleviate some heartache in my previous profession, although the level of ruthlessness when dealing with money is antied so high, people lose the ability to behave rationally, so maybe I was meant to learn this lesson now.  As my friend and outside-AUSL mentor said this week, "God is teaching you patience Carrie Ann".  To that I say,
A. she is one of only 3 people I allow to call me Carrie Ann, and;
B. she is right.  Every moment I stop to reflect and learn from mistakes I have made, the past week, month or even year will make me a better educator and advocate for my students.  So, for this week, I am "basic and unsatisfactory" and look forward to applying what I have learned from these moments to move on.

One of my co-residents posted this quote on FB this week and being that is was also from Kelly Cutrone whom I LOVE I have to re-post here.  It is the mantra for my week and month:

"sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache. You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. And you can't be birthed again until you've died.” 
-Kelly Cutrone